Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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