just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
