she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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