I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
