Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
