Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
