whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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