1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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