I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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