she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
