I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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