Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
