Texts From Last Night

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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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  (413): I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic. http://tfl.nu/sxvb
  Replies (80) Good night (31816) Bad night (1352)
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  (630): View more from Illinois

  He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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  (630): He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins. http://tfl.nu/5ao1
  Replies (23) Good night (11886) Bad night (1183)
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  (516): View more from New York

  I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...

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  (516): I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"... http://tfl.nu/s1bt
  Replies (13) Good night (921) Bad night (4246)
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  (+33): View more from France

  how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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  (+33): how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men? http://tfl.nu/4scz
  Replies (61) Good night (7167) Bad night (1391)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons

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  (203): I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons http://tfl.nu/atte
  Replies (5) Good night (2968) Bad night (1088)
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  (432): View more from Texas

  I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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  (432): I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line. http://tfl.nu/q8nl
  Replies (20) Good night (4672) Bad night (1084)
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  (408): View more from California

  Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.

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  (408): Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked. http://tfl.nu/qje8
  Replies (8) Good night (1164) Bad night (1719)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?

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  (248): What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence? http://tfl.nu/gb31
  Replies (6) Good night (1259) Bad night (976)
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  (304): View more from West Virginia

  I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends

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  (304): I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends http://tfl.nu/jtxo
  Replies (6) Good night (603) Bad night (899)
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  (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.

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  (610): Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow. http://tfl.nu/yt6q
  Replies (0) Good night (551) Bad night (346)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too

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  (206): currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too http://tfl.nu/wlj9
  Replies (0) Good night (437) Bad night (604)
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  (612): View more from Minnesota

  My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?

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  (612): My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right? http://tfl.nu/aroa
  Replies (0) Good night (729) Bad night (342)
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  (404): View more from Georgia

  I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!

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  (404): I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto! http://tfl.nu/mgcq
  Replies (3) Good night (520) Bad night (1035)
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  (507): View more from Minnesota

  Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.

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  (507): Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago. http://tfl.nu/hsyr
  Replies (1) Good night (722) Bad night (416)
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  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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  (508): all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed http://tfl.nu/18hn
  Replies (4) Good night (798) Bad night (418)

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