I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
