last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
