Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
