im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.