well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
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I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
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Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room