i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
