im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
