matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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