I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
