i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Randomize
