Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
