someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
