my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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