you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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