The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
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I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
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You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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