just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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