Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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