She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
