I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
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Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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