Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
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Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
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I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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