I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
