i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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