Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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