All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
