Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Randomize
