Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
