Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
