It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
