Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
