He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
