I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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