I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
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Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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