ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
