We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I just blew my weed a kiss
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
