At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
