I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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