Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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