I feel like I'm in dance class right now
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
