I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
