Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
