does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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