weddingsv make me drug and hornr
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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